I Walk Alone...

fuck off people

2005-05-03T12:36:00.000-04:00

ok....so I cant tell my feelings on here anymore...so that is going to be fixed....this blog is finished after today...there will be other ways to find me and I will let certian people know how that is....but not others who cant keep out of business that has NOTHING whatsoever to do with them....yes, you know who you are....

Life is Great...

2005-04-28T22:10:00.000-04:00

Wow. I really don't know if I could be any happier. I mean, things are going so great. Cody, Cody is amazing. When I am with him, I just feel so right. And he really cares. I mean, he is giving up smoking just for me. He knows that I don't like it, so he is quiting. I've never had a guy do that for me. I have never been so important to a man that he is willing to quit something just for me. God, do you have any idea how that feels? To mean that much to someone. I know him and I haven't been doing this for very long. Two weeks tomorrow. But, it feels like so much longer, in a good way. Like him and I have always been together, whether it's friends or more...
I leave in 8 days. And, god, I have never wanted to stay so bad. I mean, leaving Janna is bad enough. That girl has been more than a sister to me for the past month or so. I don't know what I am going to do when I leave. I know that I will get to see Aron again and me and her will chill all summer, but it's gonna be werid without Janna around. And then, then there is Cody. I have to leave him for like three and a half months. I know I will come down and visit him and everyone here, but still. I spend basically every single day with him, and at least 5-6 nights a week he stays with me. From that I have to go to not seeing him maybe but once a month. And it's tearing me up inside. I don't want to leave him. I want to stay with him. To lay in his arms when I am feeling upset, and just be held by him. To fall asleep in his arms, smelling him. I feel so safe the nights that he stays with me. I sleep better too. And I have to give this up for three and a half months. I know that I can do it. I am a strong woman and can handle this, but it is going to be torture.
Last night, wow. That's about all I can say. This week actually has been like that. All my exes I think are drawn to me this week. I've had like three of them decide to start talking to me out of the blue. I found out one of them is getting married in December, which was definately a surprise to me. And then last night...omg. I was chilling with Cody in my room, watching a video a friend of mine directed and produced, when out of no where, the asshole starting talking to me. He hadn't talked to me in months, and now, out of no where, he says hi. And it pissed me off. He hurt me more than anyone with the shit he did to me. And now he wants things to be all cool between us?! He wants something, he has to. You don't just randomly starting talking to someone after like 2-3 months without wanting someone, especially not someone you shoved out of your life after treating like shit. Cody wasn't too happy with him either. I explained all about the asshole to him, and it pissed Cody off. The way that he told me that the asshole better leave me alone, kinda scared me last night. I know that he doesn't like him because he hurt me by doing what he did, but it still scared me pretty bad.
Well, that's about it for my life since I posted last. Not much else has been going on. Work, school, hanging with Cody Janna and Bryant...that's about it.

Smiling Fool

2005-04-25T23:40:00.000-04:00

I have not been able to stop smiling for the past week or so. I am so insanely happy right now. But at the same time, I am kinda depressed. I have to leave my hunny in a little over a week. And I don't want to. I am going to go from seeing him everyday, falling asleep in his arms almost every night, to nothing within the course of a day. And the thought of it is killing me. I don't want to leave him. Being with him is so amazing. But I'm not going to think about that...otherwise I am just going to be depressed all day long.

But things are so amazing with me and Cody right now. He treats me so well and I feel so special when I am with him. He is so sweet to me too. And it is so refreshing. Just thinking about it makes me smile. And once I start smiling, I dont know if I can stop.

I still can't believe that this happened. I was not expecting this at all. Here I was trying to make myself deal with my pain, and I had this amazing man, who actually liked me, hanging out with me making me smile and laugh. And he knew nothing of what happened or that I was hurting. I don't know what made me realize what was in front of me, but I am glad that I did...

Playing catch up

2005-04-22T23:50:00.000-04:00

I know it's been about 10 days sincee I last posted. But I have been uber busy lately. In case anyone was wondering, I've never been better than I am right now. I've dealt, accepted, and moved past whatever pain I was in. I realized that I did not lose. I am a intelligent, strong, independant, pretty woman that any man would be lucky to have.

So, quick update of my past 9-10 days: work, school, work, school...pretty much that is mostly it. I work 6 days a week now and go to school 5.

My free time has been spent with Janna mostly. And then nights, Cody and Bryant normally come over and chill with us watching movies. Of course, all three usually end up crashing there too.

OK, my birthday...wow. That's all I can say. St. Louis was a frickin blast. New shoes, new clothes, great times with Janna. Although, I took a large large dent into my account, like a 300-350 buck dent. But it was worth it. After getting back home to Evansville, and changing to look all sexified, Janna and I headed out to see her hunny before heading out to celebrate. Ok, here's the sad thing. I turned 21 this past Sunday and I only had one drink all frickin night!!!! But after my bad night of going out, things got better. Cody and Bryant came and stayed. And that night, spending time with Cody, watching movies, cuddling, talking, kissing him....was the best birthday I've ever had.

Last night was our first official date with just the two of us. And it was amazing. Granted all we did was go see Sin City *great movie btw!!!!*, which really isn't much different than laying on my floor watching movies. But, it was better. Not cuz it was a great movie, or better quality since it was at a theatre, but there was something different about it. Something better. I don't know what it was. Whatever it was, whatever is between us, is amazing. There are no uncomfortable silences with us. We can lay on the floor for hours at a time, holding hands, not talking, either staring into the other's eyes or laying there awake, but with our eyes closed for hours and not feel weird. I know that I don't really know that much about him right now, but I am with that. Cuz we have time. We have all the time in the world. Whether that is just in my head or we really do, I don't know. And personally, I don't really care.

While last night was amazing, something happened that totally pissed me off. I was at work, minding my own business, waiting on my tables, talking to Janna and Cody when they were around me. And apparently, me and him, along with Janna and Bryant, have become a fucking bet at work. One of my managers and fellow waitresses are betting on which couple makes it all the way first. Granted, since all four of us work with each other, things are kinda weird and people pry into our business. But for a manager and another employee betting to see who has sex with the other first, is wrong. And it pisses me off. My love life, and sex life if/when it happens, is by far no one's business but mine and the man that is in it. So this is between me and Cody. That's it. No one else.

Speaking of making mad. I now have 5 piercings. My first holes in my ears Ive had for a while. Belly button got pierced last Friday. And yesterday afternoon, I went and got my second hole in my ears. Well last night, after dropping Cody off and coming home my right earring fucking fell out while I was changing my shirt. It was in my ear less than 12 fucking hours and it fell out. I was so pissed off. So, once I am out of class, I am off to go and see what I can do about it!!!

Slowly, I am getting there...

2005-04-13T11:46:00.000-04:00

Somehow I keep going on. I couldn't do it without my friends. The nights when Janna, Bryant, Cody and I hang out, are the nights that I am my best. The guys crack their jokes and make us laugh, Janna is there to remind me that I am stronger and better than dwelling on my pain.

But then, there are the nights like last night, where I was all alone after work, I don't think I can do this. I don't feel strong on nights like this. All I want to do is lay on my bed and cry. And I hate it. I hate that I am not strong when I am alone. I hate the fact that anyone can make me feel like this. So defenseless, so helpless.

Why do I let this constantly happen to me? I am sick of it. I just don't know if I can do this again...let anyone else in the way I did him. Hell I don't know if I can let anyone in period. It just ends up hurting me time and time again. And I'm sick of it. So I'm done. I give up. I'm finished. I will not allow myself to feel like this again. I cannot stand to be so defensless and vunerable anymore. It just ends up getting me hurt.

Why does this keep happening to me? I am really starting to feel like I deserve it. And I hate it. Cuz no one deserves being hurt. But this has happened so much that I can't help but feel this way. I've come to expect it anymore. Even more now since this happened yet again. I had started to feel better about myself, just to have my heart ripped out. Now, I feel worse. However I did see myself before...is far from how I see myself now...

Although, I did get a compliment last night at work. Some guy that was at one of my tables left me his number. Granted I will not call him, but it was still a nice ego booster...

Are there any tears left?

2005-04-10T05:21:00.000-04:00

There is so much that I have to say right now, but I don't know if I have the words to say them anymore...Which is a really big deal for me. Not being able to express my emotions at all. I wish I could understand where this came from. It's one thing if this happens when you are expecting it, but to be blindsided, there is nothing worse. As much as everyone tells me I should hate him, I just can't. How could I? The only thing that I want is for him to be happy. I just thought that I made him happy....

God, I hate this feeling. My don't just feel heartbroken, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest completely, ripped apart and smashed to pieces, then left on the ground in front of me. I can barely even eat chocolate I am so heartbroken. That's sad: a depressed, heartbroken woman who cannot even eat chocolate...

Why am I always just second best? That's all it seems to be that I am. I was second best when I dated Jake a few years ago, second best with Adam, and now second best with Dan.... Is it possible for me to not be someone's second? Because I am starting to think that it will never happen. I just want to be the girl a guy thinks of when he first wakes up, the reason he smiles during the day, and the beautiful woman in his dreams at night...is that too much to ask for? To be someone's first choice...

People wonder why I can never see myself as beautiful...why can't they understand. Pretty much the only people who tell me this are guys that use me, guys that cheat on me, and those that always see me as a second choice. It takes it toll on you. I mean I don't think I will ever see myself as beautiful anymore. How can I when I am always getting hurt like this. How can someone be beautiful if she is never good enough for anyone? And that's how I feel, that I will never be good enough for anyone...

I hate my neurotic mind. I know this is not my fault. I do, but yet, the times when I alone, laying in bed or sitting on the couch, I start to wonder if I would have done something differently that maybe this wouldn't have happened to me. And I hate this. I hate that I do this to myself. Why? Why must I torture myself constantly. It's like I enjoy the pain, and I don't. I hate this pain that I am going through. I just want to be happy...is that too much to ask for anymore?

God, I don't know what I would do without my friends. They are the only reason I am still not currled up in a ball on my floor, bawling my eyes out. They know just what I need to make me feel better: my tub of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food, lots of episodes of Sex in the City, and a few good shoulders to cry on. Even tho, right now, I feel as if there are never enough shoulders to hold all my tears. And I've cried so many so far. And there are so much more that wants to come out. But not now, I will not let them out now. This will not stop me from living my daily life: class and work basically. But still, I will go on as I always do...

I am too strong for this. I am too strong to let this mess with the shit I have to do. I will go to class; I will go to work; and damnit, I will go on. I just don't know if I can take the times when I am alone. I know that the nights I am laying in bed are going to be the times that I will not be strong. Lonliness is my biggest fear, and once again, I am one step closer to always being alone.

God, sometimes, people just piss me off. I mean why can't some of my friends understand that I am hurting right now, really bad. Why do they have to start this kind of shit with me. Me not talking to them about my feelings insults them? Well too fucking bad is all I can say to that. I mean, this is my shit I have to deal with, not theirs. Granted there are a few friends that I rely on, but still...they are friends that are here for me, literally here, and then Josh who has been in my shoes just recently. They understand what I feel, cuz they can see it. They can see my pain. They are the ones who stayed up with me til 330 am letting me cry to them. Letting me vent to them.

Playing Catch-Up

2005-04-02T15:20:00.000-05:00

Not too much has been going on lately. Just the normal, hanging out with friends, talking to Dan, working my ass off, going to classes...same 'ole, same 'ole.

Work has been a lot more fun lately then it normally has been. I think part of that is just because of the people that I have been closing with. One thing that I have discovered, letting Janna and I close together...can be kinda scary. I mean, one night that we were the two late girls there...I ended up forgetting my name somehow. And sadly, it wasn't just one of those, short memort lapses, it was like two minutes of dumbness. I felt so stupid!

Wow...last night was so much fun. Janna, Bryant, Cody and I, and for a while my buddy Burgdorf *love ya bud!!!* just sat around watching movies, talking, chillin while drinkin'. It was great. I miss nights like that. Where it's just about nothing. Although, I couldn't reach my goal of getting drunk, which sucks. But I did realize that Janna and I make some of the best daquaris ever! I mean they were the shit! And I can't forget about my new hairstyle, which I am so gonna wear to work someday. It's is so totally 80's, but watching Napolean Dynamite while hyper and drinking, you really don't care about that.

Ok, so I am a frickin' pyro anymore. I seriously should not be aloud to have candles. It is a surprise I have not burnt something down playing with them and matches....

Could this really be happening to me?

2005-03-30T14:25:00.000-05:00

Wow. That's all I have to say right now. I was actually speechless last night talking to Dan. I know...it is impossible to believe, but I was. Words still cannot describe how I feel right now. I've tried, but nothing seems to fit. I still can't believe he did that for me. No one has ever done that for me...I'm still awestruck...

Randomness about my Life

2005-03-29T15:35:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Burgdorf who stole this from another friend. It filled the rest of my day before work perfectly. Tonight cannot be a bad night. Class was fun, spending almost three hours chillin and talking to Burgdorf in this fabulous weather we are having, finding out that the few friends I have that are 21 that are here, agreed to go out with me on my 21st...it couldn't get bad! Anyway...here's my randomness.

001. I miss somebody right now.
002. I watch less tv than I used to.
003. I hate olives.
004. I love sleeping.
005. I own lots of books.
006. I wear glasses or contact lenses.
007. I suck at playing video games.
008. I consider being called a bitch a compliment.
009. Why is #9 missing?
010. I tend to be a loner.
011. I am a major klutz.
012. I believe honesty is the best policy.
013. I have basically acne free skin. <-- as clear as you can get
014. I think that my makeup makes me prettier than I really am.
015. I curse frequently. Fuck has so many possible uses...
016. I 've changed a lot mentally over the last year.
017. I have a hobby.
018. I've been told I have a nice butt.
019. I love to sing in the shower.
020. I'm really, really smart.
021. I've never broken anyone else's bones.
022. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
023. I love rain.
024. I'm paranoid at times.
025. I'm never happy with how I look
026. I need money right now.
027. I love sushi.
028. I talk really, really fast sometimes <-- especially when I have caffenine in me...
029. I have fresh breath really bad sometimes.
030. I hate long hair.
031. I have at least one brother and/or sister.
032. I'm a football fan
033. My dream is to backpack through Europe
034. I shave my legs. <-- when I have to that is....
035. I wish I had a twin.
036. Your mom
037. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
038. I accept the way that I look.
039. I have lied to a good friend in the past 6 months.
040. Sometimes life sucks.
041. I am usually pessimistic.
042. I have mood swings.
043. I secretly love Ben Affleck as an actor.
044. I think Britney Spears is pretty.
045. I cry easily.
046. I have a hidden talent.
047. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
048. I don't care if I'm popular.
049. I am currently single. <---we technically are just talking right now.... 050. I have shinny object syndrome.
051. I enjoy talking on the phone.
052. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
053. I love to shop.
054. I would rather shop than eat.
055. I would classify myself as an emotional wreck.
056. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
057. I'm obsessed with my blog!
058. I don't hate anyone.
059. I'm a pretty good dancer. <~ it makes my life smile
060. I fear being alone.
061. I've never been embarrassed to be seen with my parents.
062. I have a cell phone.
063. I hate MTV.
064. VH1 owns MTV
065. I have passed out drunk in the past month.
066. I can't walk past a shoe store without going in.
067. I have never been in a real relationship before.
068. I've rejected someone before.
069. I currently have a crush on someone.
070. I have so many goals for the rest of my life.
071. I want to have children in the future.
072. I have changed a diaper before.
073. I've had the cops called on me before.
074. I bite my nails.
075. I could be a member of the Sex in the City fan club.
076. I'm not allergic to anything deadly.
077. I have a lot to learn.
078. I have nothing better to do than fill this out.
079. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie.
080. I am very shy around the opposite sex.
081. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message.
082. I have at least 5 away messages saved.
083. I have tried alcohol before.
084. I could never make a move on a friend's significant other.
085. I want to own the "SOUTH PARK" movie.
086. I wish I could change things in the past that I now see as being incredibly stupid.
087. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum.
088. I enjoy country music.
089. I love my best friend(s).
090. I think that Papa Johns has the best pizza.
091. I watch soap operas whenever I can. <-- guilty pleasure.
092. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist.
093. I have used my sexuality to get my way.
094. I love Michael Jackson.<--- Thriller rocks my world.
095. I know all the words to Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time". <--sad to admit to I know...
096. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
097. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
098. I have dated a close friend's ex.
099. I'm happy as of this moment.
100. I have gone scuba diving.
101. Had a crush on someone you've never met.
102. I've kissed someone I knew I shouldn't.
103. I play a musical instrument. <---use to anyway
104. I strongly dislike math.
105. I'm procrastinating on something right now.
106. I own and use a library card.
107. I fall in "lust" more than in "love." <-- don't we all?
108. chicken and spinach quesedillas rock my socks.
109. I think The Lord of the Rings is one of the greatest things ever.
110. I'm obsessed with the tv show "Sex in the City."
111. I am resentful that I have to grow up.
112. I am an entirely different person around different people. <--at least around my parents
113. I think the world would be a better place if people just smiled more often.
114. I think mac and cheese is the best kind of food in the whole world.
115. I'm praying my heart won't be broken again.
116. I am a nerd.
117. No matter where I am or who I'm with, I always seem to be lonely.
118. I am a dork and proud of it!
119. I don't change who I am for someone else.
120. My heart resides below my feet.
121. I want to get a tattoo.
122. I enjoy smoothies.
123. I have a horrible voice.
124. I have nothing better to do with my time.
125. I am listening to The Postal Service right now.
126. I hate my middle name.
127. I once stole a music stand.
128. Pi confuses me. 129. I don't understand NASCAR!
130. I own over 200 CDs.
131. I work 7 days a week. <---does school count?
132. I love who I am.
133. People tell me I have a horrible sense of humor.
134. I'm only wearing underwear.
135. I had more than one Thanksgiving dinner this year.
136. I would drive to a different state to see a band I liked.
137. I am the most overanalytical person I know.
138. I don't believe in wasting time.
139. I live by my music.
140. I have a shoe fetish.
141. My favorite holiday isn't Christmas.
142. I prefer weeks off of work instead of days here and there.
143. There are times when my fears completely consume me.
144. I wanna go home.
145. I don’t know what I would do without my friends.
146. Christmas makes me a Scrooge.
147. I don't really have a favorite TV show.
148. I'm hungry
149. I believe in Destiny and Fate.
150. I'm a Potterhead and proud of it!
151. This is the 151st entry.
152. I lied about at leas one of the items on this list.
153. My siblings are my best friends. <-- if shes in another state...
154. I believe cheese should be its own food group it is soooo good!
155. I have a problem expressing things.
156. I have lost a parent. <--- he was like a parent to me...
157. I am the most deprived person I know on the face of the planet.
158. I have at least one test tomorrow that I am not prepared for yet.
159. I love Slim Jims! even if they are really bad for you.
160. I am sick and tired of school so I am not going.
161. I love sunsets.
162. I do not watch television.
163. I love Starbucks coffee drinks.
165. My biggest fear is disappointing those I love.
166. I forgive friends no matter what <~~ only my best friends
167. I second guess myself often.
168. I listen to Rock often.
169. God's will leaves me very confused
170. I know who Mark Tremonti is.
171. I know who Damien Rice is and I love a few of his songs.
172. I’m German.
173. I want a rubber ducky
174. I love to cook
175. I want to go to Europe more than anything.

Will you be there to catch me if I leap?

2005-03-28T12:45:00.000-05:00

So...I was up til 5 this morning, yet again. But, really, I think that it was worth it. I mean, Dan and I talked so much about some really important stuff. Well mostly is was me talking, and him trying to help me see myself as he does. Nights like we had last night, make me wonder if my brain is slowly trying to sabatoge what my heart feels. Because, while I feel so much; care so much, my brain is letting my deepest fears out. And it is so hard, because my fears are that he is going to be like all the rest. But my heart doesn't believe that. My heart believes that he really is different, that this chance that we have, is impossible not to take.

I'm just afraid to leap. To lay my heart out on the line and let him get deeper into the real me. But for once, I really want to let him. In this short two weeks that I have known him, I've already let him in so much. More than I have ever let a guy in. But I'm still so afraid. That if I do leap, that he may not catch me. That I will fall and get hurt again.

ElPresDos: there isnt anything to say
ElPresDos: I just ask
ElPresDos: just close your eyes and trust me
ElPresDos: please trust that while I dont know everything
ElPresDos: I know what is right in front of me
ElPresDos: I can see it
ElPresDos: it is tangible for me
ElPresDos: I cant deny it

It's not a matter of trust. Because I do trust him. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't be able to be the way I have been with him. We wouldn't be able to sit up and talk for hours on end. I wouldn't be able to tell him things about me, that no one else really knows about me. He wouldn't be the reason that when I am about ready to cry from all these painful emotions, that all I can do is smile when he tells me how he sees me; that I am beautiful; physically, mentally... God, I just wish that I could see myself that way. I know that's what he wants so bad. Is for me to see myself through his eyes. I wish I didn't have this view of myself. All of these fears that are holding me back from being who I really am meant to be.

It seems that all the best and most beautiful things in life, are what we fear the most. I just pray that soon, I will be able to leap, and soar through life with this incredible feeling about myself...

Is this really me?

2005-03-28T02:25:00.000-05:00

So I made a decision today. I am sick of being someone I am not when I am around my parents. I feel like I always have to be this sweet, innocent girl who cannot disappoint them. And I just can't do it anymore. Granted I may not be this major wildchild, but I am nowhere near what they think of me. And it kills me when I think about it. I cannot spend another summer like this, being someone else. I feel so fake.

And this is going to make my summer so hard for me. Because the biggest issue my parents are going to have with me, is I am telling them I am done with going to church. And it is going to be so hard, especially now since dad became and elder in the church. But I am 21 years old and live on my own for 9 months out of the year. I make all my own choices about everything. So why not this? I am sick of spending my time, sitting in a pew with it meaning nothing to me. And half the time, I think that it hurts me more. I mean, why sit there, "listening" to everything when it is doing nothing for you. It's not what he wants out of you. And just because I don't believe in church anymore, doesn't mean I don't believe in God and everything I have been taught over the years. Because I do still believe, and God has an important role in my life, but I just can't do the whole church thing anymore. It takes way more out of me then it puts in. And that's not what it is suppose to do. Not by a long shot. The sad thing is, I know how this is going to go too. And I am so dreading it. My parents aren't going to understand. They never do. I honestly don't think they understand me. They are going to do everything in their power to make me see things their way. Or if they don't, they are going to find a way to try and force me to go. And I don't know if I can deal with that. I've done that for two summers now. Granted they didn't know that this was how I felt, but still. It was harder than hell on me.

I've also came to the conclusion, even though I am independant, I care to much what other people think of me. Mostly I care what my parents think of me. And while sometimes it can be good. I can't do it anymore. By caring too much of what they think and trying so hard to please them, I am making my life hell for me. I let their comments about how I run my life, and what I look like affect me to the point where I start believing them. And I act a certian way around them, because I don't think that they would approve of who I really am. And it doesn't make sense, because who I am...doesn't need validation for who I am. I may not be a beautiful woman, but I am happy with myself. And isn't that all that really matters? Happiness with one's self...and do I really have that if I am trying my hardest to not let my parents see who I really am? I have to stop this. I have to let the world see who I am...and that includes my parents.

I just wonder if I am strong enough to do this. I mean, this is my parents. They help me out so much with everything, that I don't know if I can hurt them like this. But, in the same token, I have to do this. For me. I can't keep going on like this. I know that it is half the reason I feel the way I do most of the time. I know I come off as this happy, perky person. But that's not who I am lately. Especially since I went home last couple of times. I put on my happy face to everyone who is around me. But when I am alone, that's a different story. When I am alone, I feel depressed and helpless about everything. And I want to change it...so much. Because I am not that person. I've always been the people person, who loved being around everyone. And it showed. I wasn't happy just around people, I was happy alone too. So I decided that this summer is it. This is the summer that I am going to do this. I am going to let my parents see the real me. Let them know how I feel about certian things in my life. And they are just going to have to deal with it. Because this is who I am, and damnit, I love who I am.

Random Question

2005-03-23T21:25:00.000-05:00

Is there something about a woman who is no longer single, or not interested in any other guy that is incredibly attractive? It seems that once a woman is no longer available or interested, almost every male within vincinity suddenly can't take his eyes off her. Is unavaiblity the new beauty? I just don't get it. I mean, why would a guy be attracted to someone that would not be interested in him.

Take today for instance. I know that technically, Dan and I aren't dating yet. And I am fine with that. But since meeting him and getting to know him, I have no interest in any other male. I consider myself unavaliable now. But while walking through the UC today on my way from class, I run into a friend of mine from another class, Burgdorf. So, being the 'charming' person I am, walk up to him and give him hell about not being in class yesterday. Granted my fun was robbed from me because he had a valid excuse to miss, but still. But while I was standing there talking, I just got this funny feeling that I was being stared at. I look up from the table and what do I see, Like every male but Burgdorf around me is staring at me. And I don't mean an occasional glance. I mean flat out staring. It blew my mind. Two weeks ago, this would not have happened to me. I would have been standing there, talking to friends and no one but then would have noticed me, or if they did, they wouldn't have been staring. And there was nothing else different about me today. I mean, I had on the makeup basics I wear, my hair was styled the way I normally style it, my clothes were the same type of clothes that I normally wear. The only thing that was different about me today, is the fact that I am not interested in any guy but Dan.

What a Day...

2005-03-23T14:15:00.000-05:00

I know that I am an emotional person to begin with, but wow. It's still hard to believe when everything that bothers you and that you fear confronts you all at once. It's also really hard to deal with on your own...if not impossible. I'm just glad I don't have to...I always have my friends that will sit and listen to me. And now I have Dan too.

You know, sometimes, I just really don't understand parents. I mean yeah, they love their kids, but sometimes the ways that they show it make no sense. I've always been close to my parents, especially my dad. I mean, I'm the baby; Daddy's little girl, and I love it. But sometimes, just sometimes, I feel like I'm really not good enough for them. I can never do things right for them and it hurts. I weigh like nothing, yet I am told I am getting fat, putting on weight or have a big butt all the time. I know I really don't but it still hurts. I never feel like I am pretty enough for them, no matter what I do. I wear make-up, style my hair, wear clothes that flatter me...and still I feel like shit to them. But what is worse, is they no longer have faith in my happiness. They just assume that no matter what I do, I am gonna screw up every relationship that I have. And it hurts. I mean, my parents are suppose to be the ones with the unconditional amount of faith in me, and they don't. They don't believe that I can keep a relationship more than a month or two. And, I am starting to believe it. I mean I am terrified of guys, when it comes to more than friends. I am afraid to open up and lay my heart on the line. Afraid that no matter what I do, how hard I try, I am doomed to sabatoge my chance. And this kills me. It kills me more now than it did before. Because now, I have that chance for happiness. I mean I already have so much of it because of Dan, and I know that if I can look past this fear, that I can be a whole hell of a lot more happy than what I am now. This could be the real deal. And the thought that I could screw this up, is more than I can handle.

I spent God knows how long on the computer last night...and on the phone. Trying to help my friends with their relationship issues when they asked. Why people feel I am the one that can help them, I don't understand. Relationships scare me to death, and I can't seem to have a successful one. But, me, being the caring friend I am, won't turn my back on someone who needs my help. And, somehow, managing to help them with their issues for the night, bring my own to the surface. And I lost it. For two or more hours, probably more, I sat here crying. Not sure of what I felt, not sure of how I could deal with my fears, failures, insecurties that make up my neurotic self. I don't know how Dan manages to get me to do it, but I can open up to him more than I can to almost everyone else in my life. He sat there, around 2300 miles away from me, just listening to me, comforting me, and making me feel like I was perfect; even with all my insecurties and failures I have. For once, I felt like it was ok for me to be scared of this, for me to feel like this. And for now, I am ok with that.

As much as the reason sucked, when I finally went to bed around 330 this morning, I don't think I've slept better. Granted I was still tired when I woke up, but I slept so well. Being emotional drained can do that to you I guess. I don't think I honestly had any more strength to give by the end of last night. I'd honestly thought that before Dan and I ended our conversation that I had lost strength, but time and time again, I found more. And I think that it was partially from him. And that in itself scares me even more. I guess that's when you know that something's there, when the thought of what they do to you scares you because you've never been like this before. And to think, the odds of all of this having happened, are so amazing. I mean, if one little thing, me drinking with all of them, would have been different and not happened that Monday night, this may not have happened.

School, school go away...

2005-03-21T23:55:00.000-05:00

Man, I hate school sometimes. My brain is fried from working on the Sniffy Lab for my Learning class. Which, don't get me started on how much I hate that class...ugh. It is so stupid. I honestly don't know why I took it. We are learning how to learn...someone explain that one to me please???

You know those times in your life where you just want to scream out of frustration? Yeah I totally felt like that today...and not just from the lab that Heather and I were doing. Sometimes, my friends just flat out piss me off. And then they don't even realize what they do....grrrrrrr...it still aggreviates me. I know I shouldn't let it bother me because what he said is so not true, but it still does. I am very independant.

WOW! My night just got so much better. I may get to see Dan this summer. He might try to come and see me. And I am gonna try to go and see him. It all depends on money. Which means I really really really have to save. Because I really want to go out there and see him so bad. So that is my goal. No more unnecessary spending. If I don't need it, it can wait until after I see Dan. Because if I can save enough money for a ticket...I am going out there. I don't care...I will find a way to!

It's me yet again...

2005-03-19T23:50:00.000-05:00

So I realize that I have done a lot of posting lately, but there is so much going in my life lately. A major turn of events from last week, when I had absolutly nothing to post about at all. Well here it is, the reason I am posting yet again today...My ex is finally out of my life. The last thing that I had around here of his is now gone. Granted when he came to pick it up, he was more than an ass to me. But I am over it. I have something better in my life. And while it's nothing more than friends, it's still better than things were before. But before I move on...I just have to get it off my chest of how annoyed I am that he was such an ass to me. Like it was my fault he woke me up...hello, I didn't call myself. And the least you could do is to tell the person you woke up that you're sorry...not just that..oh that sucks. I mean come on...grrrrrrrrr

But anyway. I'm moving on. I still can't get over my amazing night last night. I'm having the hardest time believing how much Dan and I talk...and not run out of things to talk about. I mean we sit there for hours at a time talking...about everything and nothing. And it is so amazing, and so refreshing at the same time. I mean I have never had this before. I could never really sit for an hour with a guy and talk without running out of things to talk about...except with a few friends. And I love it...it is so amazing...

Worst Critics?

2005-03-19T16:30:00.000-05:00

We all have our critics in life. Those people who constantly tell us we can't do it. That we aren't strong enough, we aren't good enough. You aren't pretty enough or talented enough. But what do we do when we are our own worst critics. When we tell ourselves that we can't do it, even if everyone else believes we can. That we aren't strong enough to handle things, even if it's what we want the most in this life. How do we over come that? Or better yet, can we overcome it. Can we be the ones who see ourselves as the rock who can handle our fears, or as the beauty who steals the spotlight. How do we get to past the point of seeing ourselves as failures and to the point where we see ourselves as amazing? Is it the world who makes us feel this way? That in order to achieve amazing, you have to compromise all your dreams to your fears? To do what is expected of you?

Why do I never feel strong enough to do this? I have the support of so many friends who think that this is so right for me. I know I'm not alone in my fear of this chance, it scares him to. But no matter how hard I try, I don't feel strong enough. There are times when I do. Like last night. Staying up til 5 talking to Dan was amazing, and I finally let myself open up to him. And we talked about how this is one of the scariest things we've done. And I felt strong after that. Like as long as I had him to help me, I could do it. Because, this really is just about me and him. No friends who believe in us or friends who think it's a mistake. At the end of the day, it is just about me and him. Whether this is what we want to do. And it is. And taking it as slow as we are is the best thing for us. I think that it is eventually going to be the reason that I will finally conquer my fears.

But will I ever get rid of all the emotional baggage that makes me be my biggest critic? Because God knows there is a lot of it. I've dealt with so much shit in the past with guys, that I don't know how I am going to do this. I will always be afraid of my own heart. It has led me down so many paths to pain that it's a wonder I am still able to feel sometimes. And while, I am over everyone of them, because I know that there is better out there for me and I want it, but it still hurts everytime I lay it on the line.

That was a little freaky...

2005-03-18T20:50:00.000-05:00

I had the creepiest feeling in the world today. And I really have no idea what to make of it. I had a great afternoon. A little food, a little blading, and a nice long hour or so nap. It was so nice. One of the best naps I've had in a while. Until the end of it that is...
I don't know how many people have had the feeling someone is standing over them while they are sleeping, but I did today...like 10 fold worse. I felt like someone was there talking soflty in my ear, touching me, breathing down my neck, staring at me and I could not wake up for anything. I tried to fight myself to wake up and I couldn't. I just laid there helpless, unable to do anything for like 15 minutes or so. When I finally did, there was no one there at all. In or near my apartment. I have never in my life had such a creepy feeling.
My neighbor and I came to the conclusion that our apartment building, or at least our two apartments, must be haunted. Cuz we both were hearing creepy sounds this morning that woke us up. Cory lives above me, so when I heard a sound like someone jumping around that woke me up, twicce, I got a little mad. Well come to find out, it was no one up there. Cory was asleep and the only one that was in the apartment. So he didn't make the noise. And there was no where else a noise from directly above me would come from. It's a little creepy, and makes me not want to stay here right now.

I just want to get out right now. Have some fun. Forget about all the fear that is inside me. Him I won't forget. That's impossible. The thought of him brings a smile to my face. I've even been able to start writing again. And that's a big thing for me right now. I haven't been able to write in a while. There was always something missing in my inspiration. But I started again today, and the poem is coming along nicely. And that makes me smile even more. Because anyone who really knows me, knows my passion for poetry and for writing. They may not be the best, but they are a part of me. They are my random thoughts that come to me out of the blue, they are the feelings of joy, and the feelings of pain I feel. Without my poetry, and now this blog, I think that I would explode from everything that I have inside of me. So many emotions; fear, joy, hope. They are so strong that if I held them all in anymore, I would go insane. Words are my outlet. Some have their art or their music. I wasn't blessed with talent for either. But I do love my words. They paint as beautiful or as painful a picture as a brush and paint can. While mine may never been worth more than myself or maybe a few select friends reading them. To me they are as beautiful as can be. It is the one way I can see beauty in myself.

Radom thoughts

2005-03-18T11:53:00.000-05:00

If fear is what makes us stronger, then with how afraid I am, why do I feel so weak? I should feel invinceable, but I don't. I feel like the littlest thing could hurt me. I'm trying not too, but it is so hard.

I'm lost without them...

2005-03-18T09:25:00.000-05:00

I love my friends. I honestly would be lost without them. I know in my heart the only thing to do about my confusion. My head is just too afraid to listen to it. But my friends know me so well. They know what I need to do. They know I know what I need to do. So they tell me. And sometimes, I just need them to yell at me until my head gets what my heart feels. To take that chance, to understand that sometimes, just sometimes fear may be good. I won't lie. I am still scared to death about this. There's no way I can't be. It is such a huge risk to take. But I want this risk. More than anything I want to take it. I want to be happy, and I think that right now, the only way to be happy is to take this chance with him. So Lauren and DJ, this one is for you. You guys sat through my ramblings, listening to my fears, and basically told me to deal with them, and take a chance or I will regret it. And you are right. I know that if I let this pass me by, I will regret it for the rest of my life. And I don't think I could live with myself if I did that. So for once, I am going to leap. I am going to push my fears aside, and try to take this chance of soaring...

What do I do?

2005-03-18T00:27:00.000-05:00

I don't think there has ever been a time when I have been this confused before. I just don't know what I am going to do. I am torn in two about it. I really really really like him. Dan is the most amazing guy I've ever met. I am so happy when I am talking to him, about him, thinking about him...it all feels so natural, so right. I've known him since Monday, and if you ask any of my friends that I talk to on a regular basis...all of them would tell you that I have been in the best mood they've really ever seen me in for a long time if not, the best mood they've ever seen me in. And it's honestly because of him. We clicked when we met. But then, being me and the pessimist when it comes to my relationships, I started to think of all the things that would mess this up. And there are a lot of them. Time, distance, not seeing each other for long long periods of time...And it makes me scared. I don't know if I am strong enough to handle this. So here I am, sitting at my computer crying, scared out of my mind about all the damn what if's that keep running through my head. And I hate the fact that this is so typical of me. I worry about all the things that can go wrong and hurt me. And it just scares me more. I think that I end up jinxing myself by doing this. I mean all the bad luck I have had in the past; all the painful relationships I've had before. Could they really be my fault? Am I the one who subconsciously sabatoged them all. Somehow, I think that my biggest fear in life isn't ending up alone. I think that for some reason, it's being happy. Or maybe it's just that I'm not use to that kind of happiness that it scares me if I find it. Am I slowly cursing myself to be alone all my life? God, I hope not. I dread the thought of becoming an old maid. But every failed relationship I've had, whether I caused the failing or not, brings me one step closer to loneliness. And it hurts so bad. I see all my girlfriends out there, happy with their boyfriends, and I get jealous. And now, I might finally have that chance to have what they have, well in a way. And it terrifies me. Maybe I really am not as strong as I always thought I was. I think I will always be that little girl who has to cry to someone when she is scared. I don't want to be that girl though...I want to be the strong, spontaneous girl, who isn't afraid of taking risks. The one who isn't terrified by the thought of laying her heart out on the line. I want to trust my heart more, and ignore the stupid what if's I always have in my head. But I don't know if I can. Fear is just too strong. And I don't know how I can overcome it.

Grinnin' Like a Fool

2005-03-17T13:07:00.000-05:00

Last night was the best. Class wasn't too bad. Parts of it was funny. While my teacher was talking about alcohol, I was sitting there comparing his list of signs of use to my Monday night. I had to stop myself from busting up laughing...hehe

I got to talk to quite a few friends that I haven't talked to in a while. I also got to talk to Dan and Josh. That was fun. Got some pics of the guys and had a blast talking to them. Dan and I also had an amazing conversation...and it ended very good. At least I know I'm not the only one that feels the way that I do. I just wish that I knew how that is going to work. Rushing is the last thing I want. I've done that too many times before, and each time it ends the same way, me getting my heart broken. And I do not want that this time. Not with Dan. He is so amazing, unlike any guy I've ever known. Since he told me how he felt about me last night, I honestly haven't stopped grinning...and I don't know if I can stop.

Man, makeup class was so frickin' fun today...we got to goof off with blood and guts type stuff! We made some pretty nasty looking things. I just made my hand look really bad burnt, and gonna play tricks on friends with it, but it was awesome. It looked so real and gross...I love it.

So I failed a test today...it was so totally my fault. I forgot about it and didn't get to study for it. I was sitting here at my computer like I do so often late at night, talking to friends when it just popped into my head. It wasn't really hard tho after all. So maybe I didn't fail it. There was more stuff from the days I actually did go to class then the days that I skipped. And the short answers were from the easy topics we discussed. So here's hoping, huh?

Fate can suck my balls!!!

2005-03-16T08:50:00.000-05:00

Today feels like a blue day. I'm not sad, just feeling a little ugh today. I've been searching for most of my life for a guy like the one that I met on Monday night; sweet, charming, funny, cute...Everything that I've EVER looked for in a man, he has. It has been so long since I could just sit for hours and talk to someone the way that I talked to him last night. Four hours we sat in Lauren's living room, it wasn't always just us, but we still talked. This should make me so happy, right? But here is where fate can just suck my balls. He lives in Washington, state that is. The other side of the damn country. And...he's in the Navy! *no bad navy jokes please....* I know I can still talk to him, but still it totally sucks! And me being the huge wuss I am, did nothing about it before he left last night...I wanted to...I really did, just to see if there was something there, but no; the coward in me took over. And I did nothing, but say the stupid, lame: goodbye, nice to meet you, have a safe trip...I know those are all good things to say to someone leaving that you just met, but not when it's just one big huge cop-out. I know I will still talk to him, we exchanged numbers, email, aim names...but still. I'm so mad at myself for doing nothing. It's so typical me, but there is nothing that I can do about it now...his plane left almost 4 hours ago so he is over half-way across the country right now...

One word....WOW!

2005-03-15T16:25:00.000-05:00

The title has so many meanings for me right now! I have had an amazing day and a half since school has started back up! First of all...all my new clothes make me happy!! I know I can be such a girly girl sometimes...But oh well!

Last night...well last night was interesting, but fun as hell!!! First of all...I must thank Lauren for this! So last night...here's the scoop:
It's like almost 10pm when Lauren messages me to come down and see her. I had no idea what it was about, thinking maybe just wanted to see me and tell me all about her amazing Spring Break in NYC. So I throw some shoes on, throw some gum in my mouth and walk out the door with my coat, keys, and phone. I get down to her apartment and get pulled into a huge hug *one of the reasons I adore this girl!! Her hugs can put a smile on anyone's face.* and then I get handed a bottle of Bicardi Raz. Then I get to meet the boyfriend, Josh...side note here...Lauren is insanely lucky...he's the sweetest!! Well, I'm talking to them, when Josh goes and gets his friend, Dan....might I add...just as sweet and just as cute ;-). Well like maybe 2.5 hours later, three Raz'z and three shots of striaght vodka later *Please remind me NEVER to play a drinking game with a Navy guy again.....* I am a little...well a lot on the drunk side and pass out on the couch watching Sex in the City *Might I add...great show!* Well, apparently, Captain ain't the only thing that makes me sick...or maybe it was the amount, the short time, and the fact that my stomach was empty...*I didn't plan on drinking when I went down there...* And here is where these boys and Lauren become my hero. Dan didn't really know me, he'd just met me...but he helped to take care of me and held my hair back while I puked everywhere. Josh helped a little this morning, but since he was drunk too, he didn't help much at night. But all three of them took care of me and I adore them all for that. Well, this morning, since I was still throwing up about the time my class would have started, I spent the day hanging out with the guys. They took me to breakfast, then after showers and getting cleaned up, they took me to the movies. I had a blast today!!! P.S. Million Dollar Baby is one of the best movies I have ever seen in my entire life!!! Everyone needs to go and see it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well that's about it for now, I need to be getting ready for work, but I will try to update more often now since I'm back from my break!

Isn't Spring Break suppose to be fun?!?!

2005-03-07T17:40:00.000-05:00

So, it's spring break...Whoopdy-frickin-do... Normally spring break makes me happy, but this year just flat out sucks. Today is the first day I have had off since it started. And I've been bored out of my mind. Although some good has come of this...I am on a cleaning frenzy today. The whole kitchen is spotless...scrubbed the floor down on my hands and knees, bleached counters and wall around stove, organzied cabinets...the whole nine yards.

One of those nights...

2005-03-03T22:55:00.000-05:00

Tonight is just one of those nights. Know what I mean? Work was great, until a certian point. I love goofing off with my girls and some of the guys there. And it's always nice when the hot "skater" flirts with me. Wow...all I can say. Granted, no one else may agree with me, but I don't care. Just staring at him is nice, but flirting with him is even nicer :-D...

Then, work decided to suck on me. Apparently, I have a big ass. News to me...and almost everyone else. What male does not know not to tell a woman she has a large ass, whether she does or not. I thought that was just common sense...

Grrrrrrr...as much as I love blogging...sometimes it just annoys the hell out of me. I really wish I knew html a lot better than I do. But since I am so beyond frustrated, I am giving up for the time being...one of these days I will get my links working again, I swear...and maybe comments too, unless I get a tagboard...

I love being a bitch...it makes my life smile

2005-03-03T12:45:00.000-05:00

Today feels like a red day to me. I don't know why. I've never really liked the color red, but I feel red. Ok, so anyone who is wondering about the title, that's all for my girl Lauren. Never, ever, ever let two girls as unique as us, talk early in the morning when we wake up...Not a good things. It amounts to weirdness and nonsense and people falling out of chairs. We are a dangerous bunch let me tell you...

So yesterday was quite...interesting?! For most of the afternoon, I was pretty damn pissed. With good reason too. I still get pissed whenever I think about it. I take the time to talk to a friend that I haven't talked to in almost 2 months since he got back from Baghdad, and I am the bad guy. Yeah that's right. I am the one who emailed him every day, if not more than once a day. And those who barely took time for him, when he is their 'best' friend, didn't. Yet I am the bad guy. I was in the wrong. Can someone explain that to me? Really, I'm not understanding it? Basically, the way I took it being told to me, I came off as a bitch for it. While, yes, I am a bitch...not for that reason. Oh, wait, I can't use the word bitch cuz that wasn't the exact wording...it is "jewish." Which that term in itself the way they used it, flat out pisses me off. Jewish is a name for people who practice Judiasm. Nothing more. Nada. Zilch. Zippo. Jewish does not mean that something is stupid, unfair, or whatever the fuck someone else takes it as...

Ok, enough bitching! My day wasn't all bad. Rachel and I had our "date" last night. Wasn't that interesting. As sad as it is, even though we are roommates and friends, we have to plan dates for us to hang out. We made ourselves dinner. And might I add, we can make anything from a can taste damn good!! Then we watched Identity. And we cuddled...not in the perverted sense all you people out there who just got an image...NO! WRONG! Neither of us does well in suspense movies, and if I hadn't of seen it before, then we would have both been screwed! Before the end of the movie, we were cuddled up with each other as not to be jumpy or scared. Did it work you may ask? Does it ever? lol...We had to calm ourselves by watching Van Wilder to laugh...fun fun fun times.

Yippee!!!

2005-03-01T23:40:00.000-05:00

So today ended up being so super great! Not only did I get an A on my middle age make-up, and get to get 7 bucks an hour for most of my time at work, along with getting paid to sit through a meeting...But I got to talk to Thomas today!!!!!!
As sad as it is, this is the first time that we have ever actually talked to each other that did not involve a computer. It was nice to have a real conversation that didn't involve reading. It's great! It totally made my night when I saw I had a missed call from him! I spent almost an hour, it was like just a few seconds from being an hour, talking to him. I can't wait til he gets to come back to Mt. Vernon...then I can finally meet him. No, I've never actually met him before, but I will soon! What's gonna make it even more fun is he is gonna be here very close to my 21st...maybe even for my 21st! Here's hoping! *crosses fingers and prays*

Hmmm...is it bad to pray for someone to be here to help get you trashed? Like immoral or something.?.?.? That's a thought for the day...hmmmm...Now I am gonna be pondering that all night as I lay in bed trying to sleep.

Anyway...I need to stop thinking or it's gonna keep me up all night long. Yes, I do think, and no my head is not to about to explode people! I'm not that much of a blonde...

Wow...even with a three hour nap today...I am so drained. I think I'm about to call it a night, and maybe for once be in bed before midnight??? Maybe...nah what fun would that be?

Captian ain't my friend no more...

2005-02-28T15:46:00.000-05:00

So Saturday was interesting. Work wasn't too bad, I closed again. No biggie cuz I made decent tips. But man, I realized how frickin stupid people can be...I had one of my new girls do the table outs, the easiest frickin out ever...and she had to redo them 3 fuckin' times. I mean honestly how hard is it to have to refill the salt, pepper, and sugars?!? But the fun of my night didn't start until after I got off work...

I'd forgotten how fun it is to just chill with friends, watching movies and drinking...granted what I was drinking...I can never drink again, but oh well. There is not much more fun then deciding, drunk, at almost 3am to go find people to play euchre. So at 3am Rex and I started walking around campus knocking on doors where lights were on, seeing if people wanted to play euchre...granted we had no takers, but still. Fun times...minus the fact that it was freezing cold outside.

Sunday sucked though. My day to sleep in, I wake up on my own at 745...I didnt get to bed til 445...and could I fall back asleep...not really...It was a kinda sorta sleep til 12ish. And of course, since I drank Captian, I got a slight hangover...I hate my damn body chemistry too...my stupid hangovers don't come around til the next evening...when I had to work. And speaking of work on Sunday night...I brought home a total of like 8 bucks for 5 hours....how frickin sad is that one....

Moving on....

2005-02-27T00:30:00.000-05:00

No matter how hard I try to move on, there is something in this world that doesn't want me to. I don't know if I am not meant to be happy or karma is just having a hayday with me lately. I just don't understand what goes on in a man's head...Try as hard as I might to move on, I can't. I get to the point where that is the last place my mind goes, if it even goes there at all. Then, out of nowhere, there he is again. I just don't get it. Friends aren't like that. They talk whenever they can. But no, not this 'friendship' if you can even call it that...

I evaulated my recent love life last night with the help of my new friend Rick...and I decided, I'm done. I can't take this anymore. Every time is the same...I get used, or completely destroyed. There is only so much a woman's heart can take...and I've surpassed mine. I surpassed mine a long time ago. Unless I am just friends with them, it seems that all men are just assholes. No, assholes is too nice of a word for the men that I've had in my life. And I'm sick of it. It doesn't seem like too much to ask for, does it? A sweet guy who isn't an ass to me, doesn't want me just for what he can get from me, or better yet, one that doesn't compare me to yet another ex-girlfriend.

Here's the most recent quote of my life, and all my friends who's heard my horror stories about my exes will totally agree with me!

Carrie: I do not pick the wrong guys. They pick
me...
Miranda: So what, you're like a fly strip for dysfunctional
men?
Carrie: Yeah, but one of those really pretty floral scented ones

So in happier news of my life, I got a job today. Granted I don't start until after Spring Break, but it's still a job. And it's working with shoes...anyone who knows me knows that I can't go wrong there. ;-) And the discount in awesome, 20% plus once a month I get 50% off one pair of shoes. This could get me into some trouble though...It's called an obsession for a reason...

I don't think I've ever mentioned this before, at least on here anyway, but I hate Daylight Savings Time...
I finally got to talk to my best friend yesterday...after like a month and a half of not talking to each other...But it was nice. We talked for like 2 hours or so and caught up on all that's been happening in our lives. We also made our Spring Break plans...Logan watch out! Me and Aron together...I can't wait!! We get to scare all our friends again. We also spent time planning our summer out already.

Almost baseball season everyone! I can't wait. What could possibly be wrong with a spring sport that combines *usually* hot guys and tight pants!?!? Yes, I know that I am pathetic and no, I really do not care. I am proud of the fact that I am pathetic. Every woman needs her thing to be a typical woman about, and mine is baseball and baseball players. I gotta admit, I've always had a thing for baseball players...can't help it. It's a weakness and a disease...

Long time no Post...

2005-02-20T00:37:00.000-05:00

Wow, so it's been almost a week. Sorry everyone I haven't posted lately. I have no excuse really. I mean I haven't been too busy. I mean I have had most of my nights off. Well this week went pretty good. I got some pretty good hours on this past week's check. Over 22...plus all my credit card tips and the fact that one night of them was at over 7 bucks an hour. I'm super excited to get this check in a week from tomorrow!!!

Well news on the job front...I had a semi-interview today with a formal one on Friday...it's looking really good. I would rather have a job on this side of town if possible, but still...PayLess would be nice. I mean what woman wouldn't like working in a shoe store. Although....this may not be the best place for me...I mean I do have a major shoe fetish...

Ok, it's my bitch time...Can anyone believe that I would bring home like 14 bucks on a Saturday night, closing...No? Well you better...It was a total of 13.95...that's it. I had 4 bucks on the credit card but still....thats only about 18 frickin' bucks on a Saturday night, working 6 hours...But the good thing is I might be closing more often and if I do, from now on I am gonna get the good section. Which means I will make good tips...Yeah for me! And on the work note...apparently I am sexy now. I know...ya'll are prolly wondering how in heaven's name that relates to work...Well I'll explain. When I closed tonight, after the doors were locked...I took off the damn white button up shirt we have to wear and was walking around in my wife beater tank top...well basically every male that was still there minus my manager, made some comment to me. There was maybe 1-2 that didn't...but most did. I still don't believe it, but I apparently am.

God I love my friends...

2005-02-13T01:10:00.000-05:00

So last night wasn't as bad as I thought that it would be. I figured sitting around for three hours watching everyone else bowl would totally suck. But it didn't. I had a blast. I realized how much I love my friends. Once they heard that I wasn't bowling cuz I didn't have the money, they offered to pay for me to bowl. Granted, me being the indepentant woman that I am, refused to let them, but the offer was still sweet. And once they heard that I had gotten fired yesterday, they were full of ideas of where to go to get a job. They even offered to help me get on where they all work. How sweet is that. I really love those boys for the way they all treat me...when they aren't spending all their time hitting on me or being perverted...

So today at my other work wasn't too bad really. I did pretty good on tips...made over 40 bucks tonight. Granted for being a waitress working dinner on a Saturday night, that's not too great, but working at Bob Evans, that is awesome. Sad I know. I even got to stay til close and learn how to do that. So that means that this check is gonna totally kick some ass since I worked Thurs, tonight, tomorrow, Monday *gettin over 7 bucks an hour then*, and then also gonna work Tues, more than likely being the late girl. I guess things are working out pretty good, I mean at least I am getting hours and decent tips at Bobs...but it's still not enough for me to live off of and pay the bills.

So, I've discovered I have way too much energy. Not only did I work six hours tonight, but when I came home, I spent the next two hours doing nothing but cleaning. I mean my room is spotless. I swept, mopped, dusted. The works. Then I made my way out to the living room. I haven't had this much energy and willingness to clean for a while now. It was nice though. Now I living room isn't so dusty and such now. All my movies have been alphabetized so I know where everything is now. The sad thing is, I haven't had any coffee yet either...

Karma can Kiss my Ass...

2005-02-11T16:45:00.000-05:00

Karma...it's just a five letter word, but it can be the worst thing that a person has to deal with. Apparently something in this universe just didn't like me having such an amazing day on Wednesday. It wasn't bad enough that I had to get a migraine on that day was it? No...it had to come back and kick my ass yet again.
It seems that my busy schedule isn't nearly as busy as it was...now I have about 20 hours more a week to myself...the problem is, I can't afford to have those 20 hours to myself. Bob Evans just doesn't cut it on making the bills...which total a lovely 200+ bucks a month for me...not counting any time my POS of a car likes to act up on me. The sad thing is...I should have seen this coming...they have been riding my ass and never pleased with anything anymore. And to make it better...all the shit they blamed on me, I didn't even do. None of this started until they had someone else either do it for me or help me with it, or better yet, I was doing it the way that they had told me to do it. How nice is that one. To be fired for shit you didn't even do. And to make matters worse, they all treated me like I was their bitch in there. I mean I got paid shit to do the work that other people got paid 7-8 bucks an hour for doing...how fair is that...

God, I need some coffee right now. But no, when I tried to get it, the damn machine broke on me and ate my money. It would figure, right? Why can't the universe kick my ass even more when I'm already on the ground? I mean, how fun would it be to actually let something go right for me. Well I guess I can't say that. One good thing did happen to me, I was the best one in my dance class today. Granted it helps that I already knew how to Waltz and do the Foxtrot before class started, and no one else did. God, I love dancing. I want nothing more than to be able to go dance all this shit away in my life. This day so reminds me of the episode of Sex in the City I watched the other night...

Carrie: "I'm glad I stayed. After the way this city kicked my ass today, I needed that dance."

I don't know if I've said it before, but that show is totally something I could base most of my life on. Honestly, when I have a really great day or like today, the day from Hell...There is always a quote that totally relates and makes sense of things. Yes, something like this may constitute as an obsession, but really, do I seem to care?

I think that right now, the only I really need to do is to take a LONG, HOT, SOAKING bath and just let my troubles flow out of me. But I really can't. I have to spend all night, tomorrow, and until I get a job, filling out applications. I guess there is one good thing, at least I have enough money in the bank to be able to pay for my bills this month. And I even have a little bit left, along with one more, measly check that will be deposited in two weeks. So much for actually getting caught up and paying my sister and parents back the money that I owe them.

I just have to think positively, I am a smart, talented, personable, young woman. Who wouldn't want to hire me? And regardless what the heartless bastards at my "old" job said, I do have a good work ethic. I always have. EVERY other job I have had has told me that. EVERY other manager has loved me working for them because I actually worked. I did was I was suppose to do when I was suppose to do it. Why would this job be any different? Yeah, I hated it, but it was still my job and I did what I was meant to. It's not my fault that someone else made mistakes *that they blamed on me.* God, I just hate people right now. I'm just glad that I don't have to work at Bob Evans tonight and force myself to smile and be the happy, perky person I am. I know I could do it if I had to, I mean the day after I got my heartbroken, yet again, I was at work, smiling and acting like there was nothing wrong with me...

Fray

2005-02-09T23:40:00.000-05:00

I know that it never goes away
All I feel, everything I'm not today
So I try and I try to make everything right
I don't feel like I'm doing it, it affects me

You wouldn't listen even if I told you
Who the fuck am I to say?
You're too busy with the lies they sold you
Another cure to fix your day
Open wide for all the shit they feed you
While you watch the TV delecates
And blindly walk wherever they will lead you
While the edges slowly fray

I know that everything can change
What I need is to open up again
So never again will I look back in vain
Cuz today's not the past, I don't need to relive it

You wouldn't listen even if I told you
Who the fuck am I to say?
You're too busy with the lies they sold you
Another cure to fix your day
Open wide for all the shit they feed you
While you watch the TV delecates
And blindly walk wherever they will lead you
While the edges slowly fray

Are you satisfied?
I've given all I can and are you pacified
Or do you want more from me?

You wouldn't listen even if I told you
Who the fuck am I to say?
You're too busy with the lies they sold you
Another cure to fix your day
Open wide for all the shit they feed you
While you watch the TV delecates
And blindly walk wherever they will lead you
While the edges slowly fray

I've learned that this life's not just a game
Just a line between the pleasures and the pain

You wouldn't listen even if I told you
Who the fuck am I to say?
You're too busy with the lies they sold you
Another cure to fix your day
Open wide for all the shit they feed you
While you watch the TV delecates
And blindly walk wherever they will lead you
While the edges slowly fray

Fray - Staind - 14 Shades of Grey

Skatin' through Hell

2005-02-09T23:20:00.000-05:00

Today was a great great day for me. Not only did I ace my Physio Psych test without studying for it, but I even got more money back from my POS car. I ended up not having to pay a damn thing to the school like I thought that I was going to have to. All in all I could not have asked for a better day. I was under the weather for a while with a killer migraine headache, but I slept it off with the aid of meds and I am feeling great today. I had such an amazing day that after I went and did my errands I treated myself to a really cute new pair of underwear and a totally adorable trench coat. I was really tempted for shoes, but I just had to have that trenchcoat!

Everyone get out your ice skates...Hell just froze over! I actually had fun doing a paper for one of my Psych classes today...I know I can't seem to believe it anymore than you can...but I did. I had to calculate my life expectancy and longevity. And I figured out that I should live to the ripe young age of 91.9 years. And that't not even with the adding of years of finishing college, getting a better job and more money, or getting married and raising kids...so just think of how long ya'll are gonna have to deal with me. I can see it now...me at the age of 95 still yellin and a screamin at the refs while my team is kicking some ass on the football field. *And I don't care what any of ya'll make think...the Colt's year is coming up soon...they will win a SuperBowl in my lifetime!!!* I'll be there, hearing aids cranked up to hear the tv, waving my cane along with maybe a few choice fingers chewing out the bad calls the refs make.

Carrie: I do not pick the wrong guys. They pick me.
Miranda: So what, you're like a fly strip for dysfunctional men?
Carrie: Yeah, but one of those really pretty floral scented ones.

One of my friends got me to thinking tonight...about my luck...or lack there of...in relationships. I just don't get it. I am a strong, independant woman, I may not be the most beautiful woman, but still am pretty. Isn't that the kind of thing that a man looks for. I am really starting to think that guys say they want the strong woman, when all they really want is the childish girl, who has no sense of herself or what she wants to be in life. That they want the girl who will always be there to fawn over them or cry if they don't get to talk to them every single day. I don't get it, why would anyone want to be that woman...Honestly, it is so demeaning. We women have come a long way in our struggle to not be seen as the weaker sex, but apparently, in order to have a relationship we have to sacrifice every step we've gained in life. I refuse to, and if that means that I am destined to be an old maid then so be it. Now guys, before you all jump down my throat and say that you're not like that, keep in mind, I don't mean every man and every relationship is like that. I'm just taking my own experience and from what is around me. I know there are the few amazing guys who aren't huge assholes out there. I just wish that one would show up in my life sometime soon...

Radom thought of the day: I love it when classes get cancelled...it's just the joy of only one more hour of sleep...but it is so much joy...

2005-02-07T11:04:00.000-05:00

So this new haircut has been quite nice. I really love the way it makes me look and apparently so does others...Just in the past few days since I got it done, I've noticed a lot more looks and comments coming my way. Which is always nice to have a ego booster like that.

Well, once again...the SuperBowl almost brought me to tears...in a bad way. I know ya love 'em Lauren, and yes they are a good team. But I am really getting sick of the Patriots winning the damn SuperBowl....

Well once again...I'm gonna be without a roommate for second semester. In a way is nice but in a way isn't. At least Manda will be close enough we can still hang out even though we aren't living together...

Well I'm pressed for time and still am not feeling 100% yet, so this is gonna be a short blog and maybe I'll have time to post again later...

A Brand New Me!

2005-02-04T20:22:00.000-05:00

So today was almost like most normal days. I went to work, went to class, went to work....blah blah blah. I did, however, improve myself today. I know that I was planning on growing my hair out to donate it. And it really is a good cause that I would like to participate in, but I just couldn't wait for it to grow another 5-6 inches more...it was about to kill me as it was. *For those of you who don't know...I HATE MY HAIR LONG!* So, I chopped it off today...well I didn't myself but ya'll know what I mean. I went for the drastic too. I think I got almost 4-5 inches cut off easily. And I'm likin' it so much already. It makes me look a little bit older, not a lot but hey, any amount is good right? But the look *choppy layers that fall around chin length...thick sexy, sassy, sophisticated ;-)* totally fits me...and has helped me get some extra attention already..hehe

Things in my life are slowly starting to fall back in to place the way that I really want them. I think the fact that I basically said 'fuck it' to a lot of the shit and what caused the shit that has happened lately has had a major role in it. There are some things that are never going to be the same, and I am reminded of that on a daily basis. But, I've come to realize it's no longer my loss at all. I'm too strong and independant of a woman to let something like this destroy me. I've been there before, but it was a lot worse then. I lived through it once, and I will live through it again. And just like last time, I let it make me a better person because of it.

I'm gonna start a new part of my blog here so bare with me :-)
Random thought of the day: What really is so attractive to me about a woman's breasts really? I mean, they are just fat and glands....

WHO-HOO BABY!

2005-02-02T21:43:00.000-05:00

So for once, my procrasination pays off! I spend the past day and a half studing for a test that I knew about 4 weeks ago...and how do I do you all may ask...that's right, with just reading the chapters yesterday and today...I pull off a 94%. It should of, however, been a 96% but dumb little me here fills in the wrong circle and doesn't catch it until my prof hands it back. But oh well, and A is still and A in my book!

Help!

2005-02-01T23:00:00.000-05:00

It seems like today I am drowning in a huge pool with no one there to save me. I hate my job sometimes...and tonight was one of those nights that proves why. Tonight, I really needed to be off kinda early, I mean I have a huge huge Abnormal Psychology test tomorrow night with work and classes all day before..and ya'll know me...I'm such a huge procrastinator, I still had 2 1/2 chapters yet to read...but no, I can't leave early. I have to stay and be the late girl...again. Normally I wouldn't mind, but today we get a new rule...which basically says I won't be home til around 10! Whooo-fuckin-hooo....
Anyway, enough bitching. I've came to a conclusion last night, while the alcohol was sitting in me, I'm not going to let this semester suck, no matter how hard it tries. This is one of my last semesters here and I am gonna make the most of it. I've got some of the greatest friends who would do anything for me, and I am gonna make sure that I spend as much time with them as possible. I've also made it my goal to make new friends and talk to more people this semester. I've realized a lot about my friends lately, and I can't help but wonder why I don't have many like the few great ones I have. Don't get me wrong, I love the few GREAT friends I have and would NEVER trade them in for anything, but why not try to make some more.
But anyways, my brain power is mostly all gone from reading abnormal for about an hour, and I gotta be up early for work. So I'm off. Off to dream some dreams, and I plan on making them sweet ones.

2005-01-31T22:25:00.000-05:00

So today was an interesting day...
It started out pretty good actually. And it stayed good until later this evening. I got some bad news from mom, and then it just continued to go downhill from there. Pretty much anyone whom I've talked to should know what I mean by this. And if you don't...either I a.) don't care to tell you about it or b.) just haven't gotten around to it. But more than likely it is the first reason!
But anyway, on to better and nicer subjects then the shittiness of my life right now. I got to see my Lauren twice today...which is a big thing since we are always busy and can never see each other anymore. We even made plans to try to hang out together with some of my other friends who don't treat me like shit like many others have started to lately. I can't wait! It is gonna be such a blast!
Well I think my drink is finally starting to hit me and I'm starting to get a little tired. So I am gonna head off to bed, and get some sleep so I will be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in the morning for my classes and work. Night all and have the sweetest of dreams...maybe even some for me!

Is it May yet?!?!?!

2005-01-27T12:20:00.000-05:00

OMG! This week has been utterly crazy...I think that I am gonna go insane..really! Between work, work, school, studying, trying to find an internship I think that I am losing more of my mind then I thought was possible!

There is some good news though. I think I may have found a pretty good chance at an internship for the summer. And it is really close to my best friend. So if I do get it and go home this summer, it is gonna be a total kick ass summer!
I really realized how much I missed Aron last night. We don't get to talk hardly at all and it totally sucks! I mean, having a best friend that lives about 5 hours away is utter torture! Which is a reason I kinda wanna go home this summer. Aron and I have A LOT of catching up on to do. It's pretty much impossible for us to talk with our schedules...and me a hour behind her! I think that it would be really good for me too! I mean I love being out on my own and not having to worry about following my parents 'rules' but still. I miss my girl and all the fun fun fun times we've had together! *Just picture two of me hanging out together...and throw Wal-Mart into that mix and see what ya get! :-D*

Slackin'

2005-01-21T11:00:00.000-05:00

I know I am a little bit of a slacker here and forgot to post for the past few days, but here we go. Not really much has happend lately. Although, for all you out there who care. I finally did shave my legs! It's been over two weeks since I have, but they are finally smooth! Aren't ya'll proud of me!? :-D I think my life is finally starting to get a little bit better. I got some news back about my car for all those who know what I am talking about. I am guarenteed the price of the part back, however, the gentleman that helped me out on Monday is fighting for me to even get the price of labor back as well. I find out sometime today, so everyone keep your fingers crossed for me! If I do get it back, I will almost have my credit card payed off! Yeah me. That will be one less thing that I will have to spend all my time worrying about! Well I am off for the time being, my class is about to start so I need to actually pay attention and learn something. I will try and post more tonight for ya'll! Au Revior! :-D

2005-01-19T09:13:00.000-05:00

I know this is a day late, but for some reason I couldn't open the site last nite to add my daily blog. Yesterday was pretty typical. Classes, work, and homework. Who-hoo...how many people want my exciting life. I mean I don't think to many people could take it without havin' a heartattack. :-D I have a bad feeling that this semester is so going to kick my ass. I had to take a quiz over the first chapter for one of my major classes, and I am already lost. I think it's gonna take a lot of praying for me to be able to pass this class...which isn't good cuz my GPA has already dropped quite a bit last semester.... Looks like I am not going to be able to have much fun for the next few months...I'm gonna have to spend all my free time studying, prolly for this one class. One question, can it be May yet? please? pretty please?

And the Stars Fall

2005-01-18T19:07:00.000-05:00

Thanks DJ for the great poem to read! I really feel ya. You really are a talented poet!

And the Stars Fall
by DJ Gregory11-16-2004

When I was young, I gazed upon innocent stars
But now when I look again, I see the scars
As the blood and tears run down my hand
Seeing it all absorb into the soaked sand
Now that I'm here, back against the wall
I look up, and the stars fall

Emotions hit like an overloaded speeding train
Thoughts overwhelm my tired and overworked brain
I realize each shinning star is a memory of us
We always had to raise such a big fuss
To my fears I finally succumb and I crawl
I weep, And the stars fall

I lash out at everything that I have now become
The looks, the sounds, the emotion, where's it from
The sky holds no great omniscient answer for me
Why cant these damned stars set me free!
In the big universe, I am insignificant and small
I die, And the stars fall

Once again as the stars fall
I'm nothing at all
Just insignificant and small
And the stars fall

Monday Blues

2005-01-17T22:50:00.000-05:00

Today was a pretty typical day. Except for the fact that I have to wait to see if I even get my money back for my stupid car that died on me yet again! I really am about to kill that damn thing. Manda and I refined our plans on how to destroy it the best when I get a new car. I can just picture the fun that it will be. hehehe :-)

I guess I am doing better today. Each day seems to be more of an obsticle for me anymore. But my friends are always there to try to make it a little less painful. I just wish that I could get out of this funk. I know it takes time, but I am just getting impatient. *one of my many, many faults I know...* I just want to be able to laugh and joke around and it not have to take something really funny to make it happen...
No matter how much better I get, I guess I still can't see why it all happened. Even though I don't always understand, I am starting to deal with it better.

I tear my heart open,

I sew myself shut

My weakness is that I care too much

My scars remind me that the past is real

I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down

And I just wanna be alone

You shouldn't ever came around

Why don't you just go home?

Cause your drowning in the water

And I tried to grab your hand

And I left my heart open

But you didn't understand

You fix yourself

2005-01-16T03:00:00.000-05:00

Today majorly sucked...I can't believe that my Colts lost once again to the Pats!! Yet another year we lost our chance because of them. Besides that, my day has pretty much been the same as it has been lately. One good thing has come from all this, I've realized how many really good friends I truly have. And it makes everything feel right again, no matter how much I hurt inside.

I want a normal life, just like a newborn child
I am a lover, hater; I am an instigator.
You are an oversite, don't try to compromise.
I learn to love to hate it, I am not integrated.
Just call my name, you'll be ok.
You're scream is running through my veins.
Sooner or later you're gonna hate it
So go ahead and throw your life away.
Driving me under and leaving me out there,
Go head and throw your life away.

Breaking Benjamin is one of the greatest bands ever!